Reno's Super Awesome Guide to Scoring Chicks
by QueenAlla
Summary: Ever wondered how Reno manages to score so many girls? This Guide teaches you everything you need to learn to be a master of the art. T for swearing and alcohol references.
1. Types of Girls

Ever wondered how Reno managed to pick up hot chicks day by day, night by night, within the blink of an eye? Or have you ever wondered how Reno managed to keep that flaming red hair tame throughout even the tougest, longest, most savage battles (or certain other situations...)?

If so, make sure to pick up the extended version of 'Reno's Guide to Dating'. It's foolproof (unless Sephiroth is involved, but that's a different story). Just make sure you don't read this segment of it, because, well...just don't. I mean, you don't want me to get fined for posting illegal material on Fanfiction, do you? Uh...Don't answer that.

Why did I put this up then, you ask? Oh, you know, I thought it would be fun to go against the law and put an unauthorized story up. You know, be a 'rebel'. (Okay, the truth is, Cloud, you know, hating Reno and all, wanted to leech all the money out of him through his 'Guide', but with Shinra being on his back and all, uh, he saw me as the perfect victim to do his dirty work. Okay, please, make sure you don't tell-OH CRAP, HELP!!!! No Sir, wait! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry!!! I'M SORRY!!!)

Cloud rules. Reno sucks, and he don't own nothin' Final Fantasy. Neither does this asshole of a Queen. I mean seriously, why call yourself QueenAlla when you clearly aint no Queen?

Uh, as I was about to say, The End. Oh, and DON'T enjoy this piece of Shinra s***.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**Contents:**

1. Introduction

2. Disclaimer

3. Types of Girls

4. Looking Approachable

5. Finding the Girl

6. Catching the Girl

7. Examples of Successful Relationships

8. Examples of Failed Relationships

9. Ending

**Introduction:**

Sup. I'm Reno of the Turks, the hot, sexy, intelectuale, fun-loving, funny, and probably drunken author of this friggin awesome masterpiece. With me and my crappy excuse for grammar, imagination, and spelling skills, it took me ages to write this thing. So you'd better enjoy-Oooh look, a donut! Chocolate flavoured!!! Score!!!

Hello again. It's me, the hot, sexy, intelectual (I'm getting there), fun-loving, funny, and probably drunken Reno of the Turks. Elena says I'm an idiot with the attention span of a retarded monkey, but I reckon she's just tryin' to let her bad habits rub off on me.

I'd like to thank the gorgeous, sweet, innocent cutie-pie Elena for fixing up my stupid grammar and spelling mistakes, although she didn't fix the word intellectual because she reckons it makes me look dumber. (That sentence was written by me, Elena! :D Hi! I'm famous now!!!)

And also QueenAlla Publishing for publishing my epic novel-I mean, Guide. But I will write a novel. It's gonna be this story about two overly hot guys who are like, super strong and like to whoop blonde guy's, chocobo resembling asses. And then they go on this cool adventure to outer space and they find this rock that-uh, destroys the universe, and then we save the world. I mean,_ they _save the world. Heh (Rude said to shut up).

As I was typing, I...Uh, what was I typing? Oh yes, I'd like to say, I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to write in an introduction. So can we just cut to the chase and start this damn thing? Yes? Okay, thankyou Rude! Geez, you'd think I was trying to publish some dating guide or something with all this crappy criticism I'm getting...

Enjoy my guide, and good luck scoring chicks! Make sure you tell me if you actually get any using this guide, 'cause if you do, I'll give you the deed to everything I own (fat chance). Or guys, depending if you're gay or whatever (Oh but the deed thing doesn't apply to if it's a guy you picked up. No, it's nothing personal, Rude, it's just...).

**Disclaimer:**

I, the very innocent, truthful Reno of the Turks, hereby do not take credit for the amount of slaps, punches, or other forms of physical abuse (aka punishment) taken by the victim. I also do not take credit for any other unfortunate events that may/may not take place. However, I do take credit for all successful pick up lines, dates, one-nighters, and the like. Okay, I'm gonna shut up now, Tseng says this is the biggest load of bullcrap he has ever heard. And when Mr Aravensupmyass _says_ that, he _means_ that.

**Chapter 1-Types of Girls:**

What I've found, during my travels, is that there is no perfect girl. To help you understand my fuzzy-logic, I've written ten profiles of the girls out there you're most likely to find. Each one has a major good point, and a major bad point, which is why I say there is no perfect one. Damnit, I'm not even makin' sense! Just read the stupid thing... (Warning-Extreme Offense may be taken)

**The Blonde:**

**The Good:** Sexy as hell and too dumb to say no.

**The Bad:** Too stupid to know how to take your clothes off.

**The Verdict:** For the easygoing, carefree type.

**Example:** That girl in my bed...

__________

**The Single Female Lawyer (aka smart chicks):**

**The Good:** Usually as pretty as the blonde, if not prettier. Oh, and rich. _Very_ rich.

Oh, and she even knows how to take off clothes!

**The Bad:** Too smart to say yes. And will most likely scoff and bitch slap you her large sum of gil notes.

**The Verdict:** Don't even bother, unless you're her oh so sexy co-worker.

**Example:** Elena of the Turks.

__________

**The Ugly:**

**The Good:** So desperate she'll say yes to anything.

**The Bad:** Uhm...Ugly? Doesn't that say it all?

**The Verdict:** For the ugly, the desperate, and the desperately ugly.

**Example:** Yo mama.

__________

**The Evil:**

**The Good:** Knows all the right places.

**The Bad:** Would kill you if you even hinted at it.

**The Verdict:** For the very daring. You know what? Just don't even go there.

**Example:** I don't know their names...You know those sisters of Sephiroth? Those three?

__________

**The Shy:**

**The Good:** Too shy to say no. And often very pretty.

**The Bad:** Too shy to say yes, and too quick to take advantage of.

**The Verdict:** For the quick, cunning, and plain cruel (not me).

**Example:** Too many to name.

__________

**The Bitch:**

**The Good:** *drools at sexiness* Er, um...Very kind hearted?

**The Bad:** Will slap you if you screw up. And can be overly vicious.

**The Verdict:** For the popular and the hot only. If you're anything else, be prepared to run for the hills.

**Example:** Tifa

_________

**The Sweet, friendly, innocent, cute...*begins to weep*:**

**The Good:** See above.

**The Bad:** So rare it just aint funny. Girls like these only come around every couple

of hundred years, and even then most of them die off.

**The Verdict:** If you find her, get her, even if it takes the rest of your life.

**Example:** Aerith (according to Tseng)

__________

**The Bully:**

**The Good:** I can't think of any except that she scares the sh** out of ya. Wait, that aint good, is it?

**The Bad:** Usually as ugly as a brute, and will punch you at any signs of movement.

**The Verdict:** For the daredevil, or the death seeker.

**Example:** Barret

__________

**The Twins:**

**The Good:** Double the fun!!! *faints from hotness*

**The Bad:** Double the squeeze...

**The Verdict:** The closest thing you'll get to perfect, depending on the type of twins (and let's not go there).

**Example:** Oh, how I wish I had one...Oh, don't get discouraged, there are plenty out there...

_________

**The Annoying:**

**The Good:** Will be the one chasing you.

**The Bad:** Those cheap jokes aren't all that entertaining when you're trying to focus.

**The Verdict:** For the bored, the patient (yeah, right!) and the lonely.

**Example:** Yuffie

Aaand therefore, I'd say your perfect girl depends on the type of person you are. For me, I'd go with any. I'm a goddamn sexy man, I can deal with any chick that comes my way. Except maybe Barret and those freaky silver sistas. Actually, scratch the silver sista thing ;)

So anyways, once you've chosen your victi-I mean, desired target, continue on to chapter 2, where you'll learn how to look your best for that lucky lady.


	2. Looking Approachable

**Chapter 2-Looking Approachable:**

As the old folk say, "You either look nice, or you look twice." Well, okay, maybe they don't say that...I do, though, and I count as everything, great and small. And I reckon this is an awesome quote, 'cause it's so damn true! If you go up to 'The Bitch' and try to chat her up looking like a hag, you're practically laying on your deathbed. It might work with 'The Ugly', kiddies, but in the real world, you either look hot, or look not. Ya know what? I like that quote better.

Yeah, your mum's probably told ya beauty only counts on the inside or some crap like that, but I can tell ya one thing for sure. She's a lying bitch. But don't panic, with my help, we'll get you looking sexy and your mum outta the picture, just like that.

We'll start with technique.

Now, don't run wild thinking "Make-up! Save me for the love of Reno!", 'cause really, it aint that bad. Just a dab here and a dab there is all you need. I mean, seriously, you can't tell _I_ wear make-up, can you now? No, exactly.

The biggest advice I can give you, poor sucker, is this. Never, ever, ever ever ever, ask your mum, your sister, or any persona of the female gender, to help you with make-up. They'll make you look like a barbie doll, and we don't want that, do we? Uh-uh. No gays here, thanks. Uh, unless you are gay...Then just skip this chapter and go talk to your mama-She's upstairs in my room, by the way. Unless you don't wanna look gay...Oh crap, I suck at this.

**Applying make-up:** (Don't try this at home, kiddies)

**What you will need:**

Skin coloured foundation (most of it comes green nowadays-no, don't blame us innocent Shinrians)

Lip coloured lipstick (see above)

More skin coloured foundation

And a dollop of whipping cream

**Method:**

1. Cover the face with the skin coloured foundation, being gentle and careful not to miss any spots.

2. Include the eyelids and neck.

3. Put a smear of whipping cream on the lips for that soft feeling and perfect colourlock (you'd be surprised how well it works).

4. Apply the lip coloured lipstick to the lip area and purse those lips (lotsa lips).

5. Check yourself out in the mirror and smile your sweetest.

Ahh...Nothing like a good ol' dose of make-up to ease the troubled heart. Um...Let's move on.

So your face is perfect-if not, give up now, and run home to mum.

What's next?

The hair, my loves, it's all in the hair...The hair is an art, a work of art. Don't let those fools tell you "The eyes are the windows to the soul". It's the hair. The hair, the hair, the hair!

I live with my beautiful red mullet day in, day out, and I don't regret a second of it. I bet you're wondering, 'How the heck does he keep his hair like that!?'. It's really quite simple, when you're a would-be beautician like me.

I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

ZOMG!!!! I'm turning gay.

Can we just skip this chapter!?!?!?!?! Whaddya mean it's entertaining, you blonde bitch!? Go get a boyfriend.

Ahem. As I was saying, in my state of tranquility...To keep the hair in perfect stance, you have to think of it as living. It breathes the same air as us, moves with the same gravitational laws like us (unless your name is Cloud), and feels like us.

Now, keep thinking, keep believing...You are the hair...you are the hair...you are the hair...

Now. Style yourself as desired, whilst murmuring, "I am the hair". Finally, use a generous amount of super hairspray (equivalent to super glue, as I like to use) on yourself, not being afraid to use the whole can. I mean seriously, people. It's only 15 gil. Our hair is worth every particle of it.

And now...you are done. To finish off, just keep repeating, "I am not the hair", and within moments, you won't be a beauty crazed maniac like me.

(_I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair I am not the hair_...)

All better.

Okay, so the head is good to go. We'll just quickly get the hygiene part over and done with. There are several rules that apply to the art of hygiene. Here they are:

Use deoderant, not the flowers in the vase next to her (or the bouquet you bought her, depending on the circumstance).

Have a shower before the meeting, not before the sex.

Strong perfume isn't all that attractive.

A guy with a bit of sweat is actually considered sexy, or manly by some women.

Brushing your teeth works better than just a tic-tac, and the chick probably doesn't want to suck on that.

Nothing too overly extreme, hey? Easy peasy, Japanesy. Heh. Now I feel like singing.

Easy peasy Japanesy, let's go get a lemon squeasy, little wheezy, feeling queasy, beesy, teasy, fleasy...ITCHY!!! AAH!!!

*Cough cough*. All good.

What next? Oh wait, I'm meant to be telling you that.

Oh, duh! The outfit, of course! Without the proper clothes, you may as well be a puddle on the ground. And they aren't all too attractive, in my view.

From a recent survey I took-or rather, information forced outta Elena-chicks really dig suits. Not pirate suits-although that might work-, the traditional wedding sorta suit, ya know? Or a Turk's suit, prefferably ruffled like mine. Actually, they like it neat, sometimes, so they can scruff it all up later. Heh. I don't know, you can decide what sorta clothes you wanna wear. I'm over it.

Okay, so we're all settled with the lookin' good thing. Just a final order. Go check yourself out in a mirror. If you look hot, you're good to go. If not, see ya, bro. Tee hee, I like to rhyme! Like a phyme! If that's even a word! Like a turd! What's that mean? Washing machine! Oh I see...See you pee! Mwahahahahahaha!!!

L8rz, ppl. Cya nxt chptr!!!


	3. Finding the Girl

**Chapter 3-Finding the Girl:**

Back for more, I see. It's alright, you can admit your addiction to me, I won't judge you. Okay, so...Where are we up to? It's been a couple days now, I'm not really in a 'writing sorta mood', if you get me...

Uh, gimme a sec to read the chapter title...Got it.

So, you're back to learn how to wind up girls. I'm pro at this. Can I just quickly leave a message for Tseng? Okay, let's see...Tseng, I don't really care if it says finding or winding. They're basically the same damn thing. I left school in grade two, so what? All the real geniouses never got a decent education, and look where they're at! No, they're not all lying in coffins or prison, or in a secret concealed lab with Jenova's remains hiding inside...

Sorry 'bout that.

Finding the Girl. Okay. Let's see. Okay. Right. Um...To find a girl...You must...Look in the right places!

Of course, the location of the girl really depends on the type of girl. Example? You would more likely find 'The Single Female Lawyer' in a library than in a bar. The opposite goes for 'The Bitch'. She wouldn't be caught dead in a library. Unless she was emo...Emo bitch...Hmm, this is getting interesting. I'm learning something from myself! Whaddya know!?

As I was saying, all this 'finding the girl' crap comes down to one factor. Taste, and common sense. Okay, so, two factors, whatever. I can't help you with either. So really, I gotta ask you, why did you even bother reading this piece of s***? Oh well, I'm the one makin' the mula here, so I can't complain...What's that Rude? I'm scarin' off potential customers? What do you know, baldie!? I'm the author here, so back off and go write your own Guide!

I'm getting off the subject. Okay, now, to find the girl, ya gotta do this:

1. Choose your girl.

2. Choose her appropriate setting.

3. Search the appropriate setting.

4. Check out the girl.

5. Decide if the girl is a good one.

6. Read chapter 4.

Okay, so you're probably up to number 3. If not, I can't help ya. If so, read on. Man, this is startin' to sound like a choose your own adventure book. And I hate those things.

To search the setting, you have to switch your internal chick radar on. What this nifty little Hojo experiment does is it makes your brain avoid the 'bad eggs', and once you find a 'good egg', it beeps. Sure the beeping annoys the heck outta ya (I was close to suicide at one point-shh, don't tell), but I say, it's worth it. It's my little secret, ya know? Hojo knew I was freakin' chick magnet potential, so he made me the legendary chick radar.

Oh wait, you don't have one. Hmph, guess you'll have to do it old fashioned. And that means a clean scan of the area 100 times over. Fun fun fun!

Let's move on to number 4. Checking out the girl. The number one rule is to always check head to toe. Not toe to head. Her backside might look useful, but it's the face you're kissin' that really matters. Oh, that and the melons below (prefferably not too far below).

And don't forget this quote, 'cause it's your only valid excuse for perving. "Perving is a natural process. Without it, you wouldn't be alive."

I mean, if I never perved, think of all those poor fatherless kids that would never been brought to life! Whoa, makes me think about how many kids I've got now! Ahh...I've made myself a proud father. Let's just hope no one ever runs any fancy DNA tests on the kid (s).

With perving being natural, and it all coming down to taste, I really can't give you much extra advice-except this. The ten second rule. Any perving to the breasts longer than ten seconds is out of the question, unless you're looking for a nice fat bruise in the morning. Not so fun.

Okay...Number 5...God this is tiring work...Deciding if she's a good egg...Well that's pretty easy. Any of the following symtoms means she's the one for you:

-Drooling

-Staring in lust for over ten seconds

-Touching any part of her body

-In her arms already

-Dizziness (but not because she's hideously ugly)

-Unconciousness (probably means you've forgotten the ten second rule)

-Nausea

-Fever

-Headaches

-Menstrual Pain

And possibly some other symptoms that I've forgotten to read off the back of the medicine bottle. Oh, would you look at that! We're finished already! How time flies when you're having...fun...

Well, guess I'd better...hit the sack...hehe...See you soon...


	4. Catching the Girl

**Chapter 4-Catching the Girl**

Miss me? Thought so.

Let's go catch some chicks. 'Nuff said.

So this is the part everyone thinks is so hard. I'm gonna tell you something, and you'd better remember it. The girl wants you. She wants you so bad she's scared of you. And when she's scared of you, she acts drastically. By that I mean she acts like a stuck-up bitch with ten boyfriends. But she got nothin'. Trust me. All _you_ gotta do is stay calm. If you do that, you're already halfway down the highway to a successful night.

Let's see...The Golden Rule. The only way you're gonna end up in bed with the girl by the end of the night, is if the chick gets drunk in the process. If she doesn't get drunk, you got no chance in hell.

So I'm guessin' you've found her. Good. Now, there are an infinite amount of ways you can play out the scene, so get creative. If your brain can't even register the word 'creative', then don't worry. I've got some scenarios here. Though they probably won't ever happen to you, you get the picture. Well, you can hope, anyway. My brain is probably a little more intelektual (Tee-hee!) than yours is.

1) Judy is ridin' fast on the back of a rainbow feathered chocobo, and you're on foot. Damn. How will you reach her? Well this is an easy one. You've got three options.

a) Get out your pistol (don't bother with a tranquilizer, they're more expensive) and aim for the ass. Of the chocobo, of course.

b) Kick the blonde bitch off the motorbike and go catch some chick! (My personal favourite)

c) Shut the retarded Guide and go get some rest. (It's me again-Elena! Tee-hee!)

Not good enough? Fine, tough nuts. This had better be it, 'cause my brain is bursting.

2) Elizabeth is too old-fashioned for your uber modern sex-moves, so she fakes a sickie and runs outta the bathroom, somehow managing to lock the door from the outside and disabling the inside lock. There's no window, how will you escape?

a) Use your uber modern karate skills to one-shot the door. (Foolproof-for me, anyway.)

b) Pray to Aerith she'll save you from Hell.

c) Use your Shinra monitored PHS to call your expert boss to the rescue and beg for forgiveness. (Tseng. Will. Die.)

No, ya aint getting any more, ya spoilt bitches! Go use your own brain for once instead of my oh-so-elite one.

Okay, so the scenarios didn't help. Maybe my awesome pick-up lines might! (For more read 'Reno's Handy Pick-Up Lines'-they're handy!)

"Is it just me or did it just get hotter in here?"

"Sorry, I only like men. Oh, so you're into that, hey?"

"Wow, those breast implants suit you!"

"Hola que tal? Wait no, that aint right...Y tu? Uh, gimme a second...Arigatou! Yeah that's it! It's not? Well sorry Miss Imtoosmartforyou if Imtoodumbforyou!"

*drools* "So...hot..." *reaches for hamburger*

Head...spinning...life...flashing before eyes...asshole co-workers...thinking I'm a drama queen...DRAMA QUEEN!?!?! Oh, they're _so _gonna pay for that...

Back to the subject. If my last two pieces of advice worked, read on. If they didn't, then throw this Guide down. I don't run well with idiots.

Now that you've gotten into conversation with the girl, you gotta make sure you keep it. Talk about yourself for a bit, and then open up a chance for her to get a word in. But if she tries to talk, don't interrupt her. She hates that.

...Okay, this is boring. I like lists, so I'm gonna type up the 15 stages that lead upstairs (assuming the girl is easygoing, has no friends or boyfriends around her, and is a dumb blonde). Here ya go!

1. Casually bump into her.

2. Use one of my handy pick-up lines.

3. Ask how she's going.

4. Offer her a drink.

5. Briefly talk about yourself.

6. Listen to what she has to say.

7. Make up some jokes.

8. Get a bit closer as she drinks more.

9. Keep chatting 'till she gets drunk.

10. Compliment on her looks.

11. Kiss her on the cheek.

12. Let her kiss you back.

13. Make up some dirty knock-knock jokes.

14. Suggest upstairs to her.

15. Go with the flow of nature.

Bow down, bow down, to the Master of the Woman. I'm so pro, it's makin' you nervous!

If you're still reading this crap, I'm assuming you failed miserably. That or didn't bother 'cause you knew my technique was too epic for you!

You know what? Maybe we should just give up tryin' to spawn a new age of 'Elite Players', and just admit to the world that there's only one 'Elite Player' out there. Me!! Ahaha!!

Ohh boy...I'm tired. Can we end this stupid book yet? THREE MORE CHAPTERS!?!?! That's suicide!!!

Okay, look. Just go try out the skills I hopefully taught you, while I go get some beauty sleep and see ya tomorrow.

Oh hey, and ya know that novel I said I was writing? I've chosen the names for the main characters. Oner (the sexy) and Edur (the brute). How awesome!?

Okay, I gotta go. I smell chocolate. And when a drunk writer smells chocolate, it's chocolate he gets.


	5. Examples of Relationships

**Chapter 5-Examples of Relationships**

Hungry for more? Good, good. 'Cause I'll be feeding words to you on a spoon this chapter. Well, maybe not literally, 'cause I'm too damn lazy to be bothered, but you get me.

This chapter, we'll be discussing-well, not discussing, that makes it sound too hard. We'll be sharing-wait, no, that's even harder. We'll be chatting, yeah, chatting, about some examples of failed and sucessful relationships.

Maybe we should define that word. Relationship. You think you know what it means, don't you? But really, you don't have a clue. You can look it up in the dictionary, nerds, but ya haven't seen nothin' 'till you've read this Guide. Or met me.

I can't be bothered defining stuff anymore. You shoulda caught me when I was in a good mood...aka, never.

Let's see...to begin this lovely topic, we'll chat about our two favourite heroes *cough cough*. Who, you ask? Why, the rejects of course!

Still don't have a clue? Well, one is a dumbass retard, and the other is a brunette; curvy, hot, gorgeous, freakin' bitchy, and all-round guy's dream. Well, maybe _she's_ not a reject...

Yeah, you know who I mean now, right?

Good.

So let's start this damn thing. Our dumbass retard is lost in love with his-_this is_ _oh so cliche_-childhood friend, who happens to be a real catch. She of course, wouldn't get paid to kiss him, even if she were a prostitute. Oh, that would be good...Uh, back on topic, yeah.

So, the catch is, the busty brunette is totally in love with this sexy guy, and-no, I'm not talkin' about the dumbass retard, I'm talkin' bout me. I mean, who else? Yeah and, um, dumbass retard is like, uber jealous. So he comes along and gets out his "flashy" or so he thinks, buster sword, and he whacks it at my gorgeous red hair. But he doesn't realise that what he was aiming at was just a hologram of me, and the real me is right behind him, whacking him in the head with my super awesome EMR. And then he falls to the floor and starts crying for his long lost mama, and then Barret comes along and cradles his head, singing lullabies to him. And then dumbass retard falls asleep, missing the sight of his mum and dad kissing, in between soft swearing coming from his dad, the wannabe sky pilot or whatever the heck that dude is.

Well, that was more of an excerpt from my story about Oner and Edur, but you get what I mean. Right? Yeah, that's right.

Actually, that last couple was more of a successful relationship...Hmm. Get's you wondering...

Anyway, the point is, that I'm a super hot womanizer, Tifa is mine, and Cloud-I mean, dumbass retard, is a gay loser who is in love with Sephiroth.

Cloud, don't try to deny it. We all know it's true. Just admit it and we can all get on with our lives.

Yes Cloud, yes. I _saw_ that part in Advent Children when you kissed Sephiroth. I was a witness! Just admit to your gayness, Cloud! It's not that hard, it's in your name! Cloud! Doesn't that say it all!?

Ahem. Now, let's make a list of failure couples that will never, _ever_ work. Ever. Why? Because I like lists. They're easy to write and they're fun to laugh at. Here we go ('round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, here we go 'round the mulb...)!

**---Vincent and Lucrecia.** Need I say more? Yes? Well, for one, she's dead. Two, she's a bitchy betrayer. Three, get over it. And four, well, she'd be mine even if she _were_ alive.

**---Tseng and Elena.** Because Tseng's an asshole who doesn't deserve anyone. 'Cept maybe Rufus. Oh yeah, and Elena is _my_ blonde bitch. _All_ mine.

**---Cloud and Tifa.** What more do you want!? I just gave you a whole damn paragraph!

**---Aerith and Zack.** They're both dead together, which means...uh...heh...um...they suck. The end.

**---Yuffie and Vincent.** That emo vampire doesn't deserve such a gorgeous trophy! She's mine! Look closely and you'll see my name engraved on her. *pokes tongue out*

**---Cissnei and Zack.** Don't even mention this pairing to me. Just don't. Cissnei is the only hot redhead I know. She's like, perfect! She's a Turk, she's cute, she's a redhead, and she isn't even afraid to wear a bikini in public! Unlike some people I know...*Glares at Elena*

Okay that's enough chat about failures for one night. Let's move on to examples of sucessful relationships! Yippee, my favourite part of the Guide!

An example of a sucessful relationship would be Elena and I. We've really got somethin' goin' on, ya know? Actually, it more or less involves Elena obsessing over me and chasing me around my apartment in her underwear. Well, that's what I'd call successful, wouldn't you?

She kinda scares me sometimes, I have to admit. Whenever I go into the Shinra hot tubs after our daily target practice, she always follows me in. And when I'm doing my paperwork, she always leans over my shoulder to check what I'm _really_ writing. And when I'm getting myself a coffee, she always asks if I want another teaspoon of...

SUGAR HONEY ICE TEA!!!

Maybe we really _don't_ have a successful relationship! Crap! What have I been wasting my time doing all these months!?

Okay, maybe Elena and me aren't the best example...but there _are _others! Here, to prove my point, I'll give you another list.

**---Tifa and Reno. **We're both hot, kick-ass, and downright awesome (we're both sick and tired of Cloud the Emo).

**---Aerith and Reno. **You know the saying "opposites attract"? Well I'm gonna stick with that and hope to Shiva that it's true.

**---Lucrecia and Reno. **You don't need an excuse to be with Lucrecia. Vincent didn't have one, did he? Don't answer that.

**---Cissnei and Reno. **WE'RE BOTH REDHEADED APES!!! WOOHOO!!!

**---Yuffie and Reno. **We're both hyper, cocky, arrogant little know-it-all's.

**---Jenova and Reno. **Uh...She's a chick and I'm a dude? At least, I think she's a chick................*awkward silence*

Yes, so. Those were some fascinating examples that touched your heart. Or should have done, anyway. If they didn't, I'm sorry I wasted your time. Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm just bored. Like you must be to read this stupid Guide.

Did I feed you enough junk this chapter to last you the rest of the week? I hope so. 'Cause quite frankly, right now I'd rather be watching the latest episode of "How to look good naked". Not that I'd ever need their nub advice, but whatever. It's entertaining...

Speak of the devil! Look what just popped up on screen! Guess I'd best be off! Ta-ta my loves! 'Till next time!

_Hehehe...Suckers..._


	6. Ending

**Chapter 6-Ending**

Hey! Oh Shiva I'm in a good mood today. Why? 'Cause this is the last chapter! Finally! And now all I can do is hope I milked some Gil from this crappo book.

What to say, what to say...

Well, hope you liked my Guide! See ya's! Wait, that's too short eh? Okay, how about we start over.

Hey! Oh Shiva I'm in a good mood today. Why? 'Cause this is the last chapter! Finally! And now all I can do is hope I milked some Gil from this crappo book.

We've gone through the whole alphabet of chick scoring (I should hope). From approachability (if that's even a word) to z...z...zoko...zu z...zumber...zombie...z...z...zumthing...-Uh, you get it-I've said it all. Your chick scoring vocabulary should have expanded a lot by now, and if it hasn't, then I suggest (woohoo, go the lists!):

---Reading this Guide over and over again until it becomes a part of your brain.

---Going upstairs and asking your mama for some advice.

---Giving up and admitting to failure with the female populace.

---Turning gay.

---Dialing Cloud's number (0309277368 if you're interested).

Aaand yeah. That's about all I can do for ya.

Hmph. Well I don't got anythin' else to say...Wait, oh yes, yes yes yes!!! Guess what!? I'm so awesome! I finally learned how to spell 'the word'. Ready, ready?!

I-n-t-e-l-l-e-c-t-u-a-l

ZOMS (S for Shiva) how awesome am I?!?!?! I'm a pro speller! Like, uber pro man! I can spell loads! Literally!

L-o-a-d-s

See?! Too good for you! I can spell anything and everything!

A-n-y-t-h-i-n-g a-n-d e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g

Hehe.

Okay I'm bored.

Let's talk about my story, how about that? I've got the ending all ready to go now. Oner saves the day, of course, with the help of his trusty sidekick Edur.

Afit, the hottest girl in Ragdim (this is starting to sound really Middle Eastern now), spots Oner getting a cat down from a tree for a little girl called Enelram. She's seen him around the place heaps, doing everyday stuff, like you know, doing pro tricks on his arch nemesis Duolc's motorbike, Rirnef, and one-shotting Roetem, but now she really has the hots for him.

And then Oner's girlfriend, Anele, finds out that Afit was sleeping with him, and then Anele gets into a bitch fight with her. And then Oner one-shots both of them and gets together with Htirea, the innocent Artec girl. Edur gets left alone, but you know, he's a tough guy, he can handle it.

Oh yeah, and then it ends, and then this awesome theme song comes on and there's this picture of me-I mean, Oner-doin' the sexyback dance.

It exists from now, Elena. Don't ruin the ending.

The end.

It sure seemed to take its time.


End file.
